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The start of the spiders web

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The start of the spiders web

Post by Anansi on Fri Jan 13, 2017 2:56 pm

Greetings.
To begin this path, I hope that all who join can find what they seek no matter what paths they align with. To be able to join such a community without having to give out sensitive information will be refreshing as it will help me focus on what I require from the world to ensure personal success.
It won't be easy, and I know I will have to work hard to never platue in my personal progression.
Please join me as we grow, learn, and use the tools we harness here to improve on not only ourselves but our communities.
Thank you.
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Re: The start of the spiders web

Post by Anansi on Fri Jan 13, 2017 10:10 pm

But what lies behind the web of the spider? What are they hiding they do not want you to see? Suffering from bouts of anxiety and depression, any moment, word, tone of a letter can cause these seemingly insane inner dialogues that I happened to jot down this time.
Don't you see how they interact? You can't do that. They laugh. They giggle. Your lying heart and desires tricked you again.
Wasn't life easier when you locked it up and let it bleed once in a while?
The fear will grip you and shred you. Knowing you aren't good enough. Knowing you will be rejected, cast out. And you know it is true.
There is no way to hide the truth. You know they hate you.
You *think* you did nothing wrong but your very existence is infuriating.
Should you disconnect now? You lessen the damage that way. It might not hurt as much.
You can't let anyone know about this. They will know how crazy you are. You will burden them. You will be overly dramatic. You will take energy from someone's successful life to what? Help you ignore your absolute failure? What a laugh. They all laugh at you.
...Are you crying? Because you know it's true?
....
...
Hey, hey now. It's okay. Are you there? It's okay.. come with me away from here. You don't belong there. I will protect you. But only as long as you stop fucking everything up. There's a good kid.

You don't believe the compliments they give you right? It isn't real. It's just so you stop bugging out and actually be something of worth.

Oh even better the compliment wasn't even yours! How pathetic.

You talk and the entire conversation dies.
I'd wish you'd die. Could quit burdening the world with your stupidity.

Do you remember the journal you kept when you were sad? You tried to tell yourself good things as if you'd actually believe it. I miss that book. It showed a timeline of the various things you were pathetic about.

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Re: The start of the spiders web

Post by Durga Rises With Wings on Sat Jan 14, 2017 1:11 pm


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Re: The start of the spiders web

Post by Anansi on Sun Jan 15, 2017 10:30 pm

Journal update
Jan 15, 2017
Reflection: Personal growth

I an a bit tired as I write this but the additional entry is a strong battle against the anxiety that plagues me. 
I was told to calm down once, but amidst the chaos I forced myself to fight against the storm of self doubt and shame of not being good enough to persevere, and even mentor a young employee who seemed more fragile than I. 
To conquer one day allowed me to have a glimmer that perhaps not everything I do is terrible or inherently wrong as before I believed I was a complete failure as a manager and questioned how I was even promoted to begin with.

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Re: The start of the spiders web

Post by Durga Rises With Wings on Sun Jan 15, 2017 10:43 pm

I think the person you mentored is very lucky to have someone like yourself by their side, you have the struggles, but came strong enough to help another, well done!

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Re: The start of the spiders web

Post by Dr. Harleen Quinzel on Tue Jan 17, 2017 11:29 pm

I concur with Durga on this. Well done on your part, Anansi. 

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Re: The start of the spiders web

Post by Anansi on Wed Jan 18, 2017 8:58 pm

Thank you!
I regret not updating yesterday as my job made me quite tired!!
I have been in the seemingly endless process of renovating my soon-to-be new home. Various utilities have been proving troublesome as this place has not been updated since the mid 80's (See:Outlets with no ground) 
I recently shared on my Facebook a video that outlined how much to set aside in order to have 1million dollars by the age of 65. 
facebook/techinsider/videos/646007168930976/
The comments are pessimistic, at best, but it helps to have the tools to make sure one is stable later on. 

I think about stability a lot. If I ever choose a spouse, I want to be their equal and not force them to care for me as if I were some inept piece of furniture. 

But I also want to say to whomever I choose that in bad days, I have rainy day funds to help us weather the storm. 

To stop loving like a grasshopper and live so short term and move to the long term is a difficult move. It's learning a new habit and sticking to it no matter what. I currently have 10% of my check removed for a 401k, but I will also stash away the recommended amount should anything happen. 

I hope the link helps you in your first steps
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Re: The start of the spiders web

Post by Durga Rises With Wings on Wed Jan 18, 2017 9:30 pm

I know how you feel coming home from work, sometimes the last thing you want to do is get on the pc.
Oh I luv that video, the breakdown of age groups and how much to deposit in savings was awesome, gives me something to work with once I get out of debt. Thank You Anansi Best Wishes.

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Re: The start of the spiders web

Post by Anansi on Tue Jan 24, 2017 9:18 pm

Not everyday in a spiders life Is filled with anxiety or even anything noteworthy. However, no matter how mundane, the events need to be taken into records. 

As of late, I have been working with assistance to renovate and remodel my apartment. The past 30 years have not been kind to the space and massive improvements needed to be done including an overhaul of all the plumbing (which was discovered to be held together with just duct tape..not even lying on that one) and the electrical in the kitchen. Apparently the fridge has been operating on an extension chord going from a three pronged ground to a removed ground to fit in to a 70s non grounded outlet. So safe..

I have been documenting the overhaul of this space from former flop house to actual decent living area on my social media and as I look at where I was a year ago to now, it is a wonder that I picked myself up from tragedy and misfortune in nearly losing my family house and many possessions in a fire, to obtaining a job, A decent promotion and salary negotiation. and nearly completing the work on my new dwelling which I can securely afford on my own without needing a series of housemates. 

To finally gain the courage to say what you want in life and actually go and do it is an amazing feeling. I tend to say 'eff you' to obstacles and do them anyway to stop procrastinating and have it finished. 
Those are the good days where anxiety does not suck my energy dry or overburden me with problems. 

So if it seems I am inactive, it is merely that I am forging the tools that shall propel me forward in my path

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Re: The start of the spiders web

Post by LumosDrakken on Thu Jan 26, 2017 10:05 pm

Bravo Anansi,


I too deal with massive anxiety, some days it is crippling, others I barely notice it. External stimuli can completely derail me from my path or goals, if I am not careful. Coping skills and motivation are not always up to snuff... I applaud your forward thinking an motivation. Again, Bravo.

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Re: The start of the spiders web

Post by Anansi on Sat Jan 28, 2017 9:06 pm

Thank you lumen. 

As usual, I have been distracted from my self reflection with the chaos of work and the excitement of finally finishing this apartment. I should be fully moved in between Monday and Thursday. Once the dust of life settles, Anansi will be able to spin more tales of life and personal development.

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Re: The start of the spiders web

Post by Luci Black on Sat Jan 28, 2017 10:55 pm

Anansi wrote:Thank you lumen. 

As usual, I have been distracted from my self reflection with the chaos of work and the excitement of finally finishing this apartment. I should be fully moved in between Monday and Thursday. Once the dust of life settles, Anansi will be able to spin more tales of life and personal development.

Congratulations for finishing your apartment, young spider.

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Re: The start of the spiders web

Post by Anansi on Thu Feb 02, 2017 10:38 pm

Now the apartment is about 85% done. Apparently when you go to eat soup, that is the ideal time to realize you don't own any spoons LOL

When someone moves, it seems that their whole life starts over. Small amenities we take for granted suddenly become  necessities. 
I have realized however, that I am no where near ready to own an animal. I have been sitting my neighbors dog, and it's lack of training is so apparent that I am second guessing my ability to care for a creature. 
I am beginning to get a routine together. 
I adore Durham timelines of the day. To be diligent and disciplined is an amazing hurdle to overcome

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Re: The start of the spiders web

Post by Anansi on Wed Jul 19, 2017 8:02 am

Weaving a web can be so time consuming that One forgets to remember to forget. So much so that my work occupied all of my time. 
Six months away is not acceptable and I beseech you for understanding or forgiveness. 
Since the winter, I have dealt with an increase of tension at home, and work. This leads to odddreams and moments of break down alone. 

The dreams are always enjoyable as they are always set in this metropolis my mind has designed. With grand highways, functional urban areas where the environment has not been destroyed. 

I will seek to be more productive here

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Re: The start of the spiders web

Post by Luci Black on Wed Jul 19, 2017 8:05 am

Initiate Anansi, your reason for extended absence is understood. You will lose no credits. However, unless your next absence is of an emergency nature, this exception is a one time matter. 

Thank you for your integrity,

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However, if they should awaken and rip off the blindfold,
I carry a lantern."


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Re: The start of the spiders web

Post by Anansi on Wed Jul 19, 2017 8:07 am

Thank you

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Re: The start of the spiders web

Post by Luci Black on Wed Jul 19, 2017 8:18 am

Anansi wrote:Thank you

You are welcome, Initiate Anansi.

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However, if they should awaken and rip off the blindfold,
I carry a lantern."


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Re: The start of the spiders web

Post by Anansi on Fri Jul 21, 2017 9:29 pm

Peering back to how I treated myself before, I have learned to hush such terrible feelings towards myself and focus on work. 
It has, however, led to the STRANGEST of dreams as of late!
Every time, I seem to pick up where I left in the previous dream (which never happens) 
I am driving in my tiny hybrid car on some strange highway above different industrial towns. Sometimes with coworkers, but mostly on my own. Things that stood out were a converted school bus that somehow had a cooking stove impaled on its engine. 
A truck stop where unsavory men tried to advance on me, giving leering and lustful glances. 
And raining or rain just finishing. 
I am unsure of where I am going in these dreams but the terrain is mountainous and I and venturing north and west. 
I have found nothing to explain these dreams and I cannot seem to control them as my lucid dreaming is a bit nil.

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Re: The start of the spiders web

Post by Luci Black on Fri Jul 21, 2017 9:53 pm

Anansi wrote:Peering back to how I treated myself before, I have learned to hush such terrible feelings towards myself and focus on work. 
It has, however, led to the STRANGEST of dreams as of late!
Every time, I seem to pick up where I left in the previous dream (which never happens) 
I am driving in my tiny hybrid car on some strange highway above different industrial towns. Sometimes with coworkers, but mostly on my own. Things that stood out were a converted school bus that somehow had a cooking stove impaled on its engine. 
A truck stop where unsavory men tried to advance on me, giving leering and lustful glances. 
And raining or rain just finishing. 
I am unsure of where I am going in these dreams but the terrain is mountainous and I and venturing north and west. 
I have found nothing to explain these dreams and I cannot seem to control them as my lucid dreaming is a bit nil.

Congratulations, Initiate Anansi

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It gives me an edge over them.
However, if they should awaken and rip off the blindfold,
I carry a lantern."


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Re: The start of the spiders web

Post by Anansi on Fri Jul 28, 2017 9:53 pm

Mirrors lead us many places and reflect many things. Our souls, our self image, the truth we often hide from ourselves. In my book of mirrors, I have taken the time this week to focus on my "tattoo":
1. Perform a skill audit on yourself. 


I have very few skills, so I will take the liberty of skipping some steps that would be redundant

a. I excel in hospitality 
b. I need to learn to perfect Stress Management 
c. I am fairly talented in Graphic Design
d. I fair well in Photography but many are much better than I. 
e. I struggle with Life drawing and any drawing. 
f.  I know nothing about painting. 

2. Write out a skill list using what you have gathered from the process above. You may choose multiple skills for each category if you wish.

For example:

a. Public Relations
b. Self  Psychotherapy  
c. Digital Media
d. Photography
e. Fine Arts
f.  Fine Arts

3. Using the list made from your self audit, rate each skill on the following scale.

a. The most important thing would be the Stress Management (self  psychotherapy) as it allows me to form some control over my life and my situation 
b. Almost as important is my skill in Hospitality as speaking with the general public is a major portion of my job
c. At this port not in time, all fine and digital Arts are non important


 Perform a value audit on yourself.

a. The thing that matters most is having a skill that makes my job easier and bearable(Stress Management)
b. Being able to cultivate a secondary marketable skill is also important should my run in Hospitality comes to an end (Digital media)
c. The least important of all the skills are the self fulfilling in the Fine Arts department. There is not enough time for me to waste on a hobby that will not aid in my financial survival. 

9. Design a tattoo for each selected skill and value by either drawing/painting or photo/graphic manipulation. *making sigils is also acceptable.*
I no longer possess the tools to do this. 


10. Place your completed tattoos in your Book of Mirrors. 

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Re: The start of the spiders web

Post by Luci Black on Fri Jul 28, 2017 10:03 pm

Anansi, then either get the tools, make them or use paper, pencil and a pen.

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However, if they should awaken and rip off the blindfold,
I carry a lantern."


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Re: The start of the spiders web

Post by Anansi on Wed Aug 02, 2017 8:49 am

This is now the th fourth time I have tried to type this as the advertisements keep deleting my work.

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Re: The start of the spiders web

Post by Anansi on Wed Aug 02, 2017 8:51 am

This is now the FIFTH time I have tried to type this as the advertisements keep deleting my work.
I have been thinking about my path for a while now (about two days) and I find that the road to my path is getting needlessly complicated and cluttered. 
I am a highly disorganized creature and to have an open journal then an initiated journal then a book or mirrors a book of fire a three sided alignment....why?
I ask because I wind up doing tasks just to find out it's in the wrong place and to put it into the right place will require the establishment of a whole new book and identity. 
Doing the work would be fine if it was something I was actually dedicated to, but I can't dedicate myself to constant re routing, giving updates on truly a mundane exisistance And creating entirely new books which could just serve as notes in my journal. 

 I am going to take time away from the academy to reevaluate what is best for my path.

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Re: The start of the spiders web

Post by Luci Black on Wed Aug 02, 2017 9:35 am

Anansi wrote:This is now the FIFTH time I have tried to type this as the advertisements keep deleting my work.
I have been thinking about my path for a while now (about two days) and I find that the road to my path is getting needlessly complicated and cluttered. 
I am a highly disorganized creature and to have an open journal then an initiated journal then a book or mirrors a book of fire a three sided alignment....why?
I ask because I wind up doing tasks just to find out it's in the wrong place and to put it into the right place will require the establishment of a whole new book and identity. 
Doing the work would be fine if it was something I was actually dedicated to, but I can't dedicate myself to constant re routing, giving updates on truly a mundane exisistance And creating entirely new books which could just serve as notes in my journal. 

 I am going to take time away from the academy to reevaluate what is best for my path.

If you wish to give up, you may, Anansi.


However, since you have trouble with the chronicling system here, I will explain it. The Open Library is a place for PUBLIC records. This means anyone can read it. The other area is for private records. In other words, commentary by others is more limited and only those of or above the degree specified by the subforum may see it. The BoM and BoF are specific, rather than being for general use. They are explained in detail in Ministry of Discord.


In other words, it is "needlessly complicated" for a reason. 


Using these areas is OPTIONAL.

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It gives me an edge over them.
However, if they should awaken and rip off the blindfold,
I carry a lantern."


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Re: The start of the spiders web

Post by Anansi on Wed Aug 02, 2017 11:04 am

I'm not giving up. I am finding my way and finding out what not to do.

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Re: The start of the spiders web

Post by Luci Black on Wed Aug 02, 2017 3:27 pm

Anansi wrote:I'm not giving up. I am finding my way and finding out what not to do.

Misunderstanding then, I thought you were leaving us.

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It gives me an edge over them.
However, if they should awaken and rip off the blindfold,
I carry a lantern."


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Re: The start of the spiders web

Post by Draconian on Wed Aug 02, 2017 10:21 pm

Anansi wrote:This is now the FIFTH time I have tried to type this as the advertisements keep deleting my work.
I have been thinking about my path for a while now (about two days) and I find that the road to my path is getting needlessly complicated and cluttered. 
I am a highly disorganized creature and to have an open journal then an initiated journal then a book or mirrors a book of fire a three sided alignment....why?
I ask because I wind up doing tasks just to find out it's in the wrong place and to put it into the right place will require the establishment of a whole new book and identity. 
Doing the work would be fine if it was something I was actually dedicated to, but I can't dedicate myself to constant re routing, giving updates on truly a mundane exisistance And creating entirely new books which could just serve as notes in my journal. 

 I am going to take time away from the academy to reevaluate what is best for my path.
Hello, Anansi.  I'm appreciating reading your thoughts.  It seems you may be experiencing some frustrations with technical difficulties.  Maybe composing with an external resource such as "Word" or "Notepad," and then copying from there and pasting here will prevent work from being lost due to composing here in the Academy directly.  I hope this helps.
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