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My chronicle of awareness

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My chronicle of awareness

Post by LumosDrakken on Thu Jan 19, 2017 1:38 pm

 By means of this chronicle, I intend to maintain awareness of myself. Only by tracking my progress and pitfalls will I look at them as they truly are. Favoring one over the other will not allow me to find and control my own balance, and that is truly my fondest wish. To control the instruments imbued in me by whatever divine creative force there may be in this world or any others, and utilize those gifts and burdens to maximum efficiency. Feel free to comment or inquire on anything you like, but know that these things are written more for me than for you, and as such may be written in a way that isn't readily decipherable at all times. 
     I intend to structure this chronicle as follows:





  • The Vessel  - Mind, Body & Spirit
  • The Pillars   - Family, Friends & The outside world
  • The Chains  - Career, Finances & Obligations
  • The Mirrors  - Dreams, Emotions & The Divine
  • The Wheels  - Drive, Direction & Destinations
  • The Masks   - Character, Attitudes & Perceptions
  • The Codex   - Education, Projects & Mysteries 

     
     In doing this I hope to maintain line of sight to where I truly am and where I'd like to be. I hope that these entries may assist you in getting to know parts of me better, as I hope to in small part come to know and trust others. As we interact I only hope some of you possess the patience to not get as infuriated with me as I often get with myself. Separately and together we may live, learn and grow, contributing to one another, but not becoming dependant on one another.

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"A learned person underrates own intelligence and overvalues others importance, so remains in public largely shy; the foolish person overrates own importance and undervalues others intelligence, so often publicly lie." - Anuj Somany
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Re: My chronicle of awareness

Post by Durga Rises With Wings on Thu Jan 19, 2017 2:33 pm

WOW! Now I'm pumped. Your description is like a build up to a good book, I am so excited to read and learn more about you, discovering who you are will be a great experience, Im sure of it, BRING IT ON! Hugs :D

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The six questions of Discovery and Identity

Post by LumosDrakken on Thu Jan 19, 2017 6:09 pm

1. What do I want?
      I want to attain balance more than anything. The ability to endure anything and not be overwhelmed by it one way or another. I would also like to gain more self awareness and control, over myself and all the influences that are factors in life. I want to improve my knowledge, I possess a great base of knowledge on many topics, but I have a naturally hungry mind and want to know everything better than I currently do.


2. How can I get what I want?
     I may attain balance by exercising the skills of self awareness and self control, my mood cannot be so easily knocked out of balance by any stimuli if I keep proper perspective and maintain line of sight between where I am now and where I wish to be in the future. Self-study, meditation, my chronicle, and plenty of patience are all tools that if I sharpen them and utilize them properly, can help me to attain my goals.


3. Who am I as an individual?
     I am the chaotic line between yin and yang. I am a conundrum at times, even to myself. I have many roles to fill in the life I've lived so far, and sometimes I lose sight of which things are my core being, and which things I've become due to internal and external need. 
     I am a sinner and a saint, a student and a teacher, a warrior and a dreamer, a creative force and the destroyer of all I see, the lone wolf that is the fringe member of my pack, an example of both divine energies and corporeal form.
     In the tarot, The Fool signifies not stupidity, but the blank slate waiting to record life and all its knowledge and experience... or unshaped clay ready to be molded into form. So I feel that regardless of all I have been through and learned in life, I am The Fool.


4. What do I like about myself?
     I like that I have an amassed knowledge on a diverse set of topics.  I like that I am caring and compassionate. I have a personal code that I will suffer and die to live by and I stand ready to defend those that cannot defend themselves. I like my capacity to teach others complex ideas with simpler terms. I like that I am honest, even when it may cause discomfort for myself or others.


5. What do I dislike about myself?
     This list could go on until the end of days. I try to be positive, but tend toward negativity instead. My initial responses to stimuli are often explosive rage, emotional detachment, or complete avoidance. I lack in social skills, have trouble maintaining interpersonal relationships, and tend to pass judgement quickly. I don't feel mentally stable at times, and for these reasons I constantly seek peace and balance, solid ground to build upon. I have a lack of self awareness that troubles me, I have so often and for so long subverted my own needs to fill the needs of others, that I sometimes don't know if a part of me is really ME or something someone else needed me to be.


6.What can I change about myself?
     Everything but biological necessities, if I had the desire and motivation. I have plenty of experience with changing my role, changing my mind, and sustaining myself on very little. I've struggled a long time to separate need from want, to identify what I cannot do without and can't afford to share with others. The things I HOPE to change about myself are centered around my social skills, my self awareness, and my ability to control things within my immediate environment in life.

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"A learned person underrates own intelligence and overvalues others importance, so remains in public largely shy; the foolish person overrates own importance and undervalues others intelligence, so often publicly lie." - Anuj Somany
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Re: My chronicle of awareness

Post by Durga Rises With Wings on Thu Jan 19, 2017 6:23 pm

WOW! So articulate in your expression, almost poetic in description, looks like you have some work to get started on, how exciting I get to watch you achieve these areas that you want improvement in. May the force be with you to complete these goals. I will do my best to support you.

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Re: My chronicle of awareness

Post by LumosDrakken on Thu Jan 19, 2017 7:32 pm

@Durga Rises With Wings wrote:WOW! So articulate in your expression, almost poetic in description, looks like you have some work to get started on, how exciting I get to watch you achieve these areas that you want improvement in. May the force be with you to complete these goals. I will do my best to support you.
Thank you very much Durga, such kind words. I appreciate it.

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"A learned person underrates own intelligence and overvalues others importance, so remains in public largely shy; the foolish person overrates own importance and undervalues others intelligence, so often publicly lie." - Anuj Somany
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Re: My chronicle of awareness

Post by Luci Black on Thu Jan 19, 2017 7:36 pm

Lumos, while your thirst for knowledge is ample, I do not believe Owl House will give you the tools you need to achieve what you desire. 

Originally, I wanted to place you in Serpent House. However, Serpents do not prize honesty as much as you seem to. Furthermore, Serpents are the last to strive for balance. We spend our days coveting, achieving and hoarding power, even for its own sake. 

It is my belief that you will benefit as well as be challenged by placement in Butterfly House. There, you will focus on transformation. You will then come in time to master your high energy nature and ability to adapt to a constantly changing environment. 



Your first suggested optional exercise is:

1. Select a type of butterfly which best represents you.
2. Learn about this butterfly variety.
3. Star a journal in the "Initiate" section of this academy.
4. Write down what you have learned in depth in your journal.
5. Attach relevant images and video of this variety of butterfly.
6. Post the entry.
7. Write a reply to this entry, explaining why you selected this variety of butterfly to represent you.



**A note from Luci Black**

You may wish to change the last part of your user name or even the entire thing to reflect your new House. 


Thank you and good luck, young winged one.

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It gives me an edge over them.
However, if they should awaken and rip off the blindfold,
I carry a lantern."


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Experiment in use/navigation

Post by LumosDrakken on Fri Jan 20, 2017 2:20 pm

Is this how I place a new entry in my Chronicle, with "reply" not "new topic"? I had intended my six answers for discovery and identity to be contained within my Chronicle, not a new topic in the library completely.


                                                                                                      Thank you for any assistance,

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                                                                               -Lumos-



"A learned person underrates own intelligence and overvalues others importance, so remains in public largely shy; the foolish person overrates own importance and undervalues others intelligence, so often publicly lie." - Anuj Somany
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Re: My chronicle of awareness

Post by Durga Rises With Wings on Fri Jan 20, 2017 2:33 pm

When we want to add to our page it is under "reply", if you add 'new topics" it takes you out of your page and creates a brand new page away from the page your working on.

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Re: My chronicle of awareness

Post by LumosDrakken on Fri Jan 20, 2017 2:43 pm

Ok, awesome Durga, I appreciate you and the assistance you provide. It is part of my goals to learn how to utilize things like this better. I will try not to rely on the rest of you too much for guidance.


                                             Thanks again,

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"A learned person underrates own intelligence and overvalues others importance, so remains in public largely shy; the foolish person overrates own importance and undervalues others intelligence, so often publicly lie." - Anuj Somany
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Re: My chronicle of awareness

Post by LumosDrakken on Sat Jan 21, 2017 12:16 am

Sometimes I hate my chains, my military unit is often very frustrating, and it feels like they don't care about me in any real way. The often seek to control me even within my civilian life. They judge me and chastise me but don't try to provide guidance or a positive example of how to be a better soldier or a better person. They act like I'm a worthless nobody, and that I can't ever do anything right. I refuse to believe them that I am the person they perceive. I am a great person, but I know I have a few faults. Even a diamond has flaws, but they are still considered valuable. I'm gonna try to survive this crap and get  past my anxiety about it... I always stress out about it to the point I can't even sleep. I should have been in bed 3 hours ago because I have to be up in almost 3 hours... but anxiety doesn't let me sleep.

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"A learned person underrates own intelligence and overvalues others importance, so remains in public largely shy; the foolish person overrates own importance and undervalues others intelligence, so often publicly lie." - Anuj Somany
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Re: My chronicle of awareness

Post by Luci Black on Sat Jan 21, 2017 9:10 am

@LumosDrakken wrote:Sometimes I hate my chains, my military unit is often very frustrating, and it feels like they don't care about me in any real way. The often seek to control me even within my civilian life. They judge me and chastise me but don't try to provide guidance or a positive example of how to be a better soldier or a better person. They act like I'm a worthless nobody, and that I can't ever do anything right. I refuse to believe them that I am the person they perceive. I am a great person, but I know I have a few faults. Even a diamond has flaws, but they are still considered valuable. I'm gonna try to survive this crap and get  past my anxiety about it... I always stress out about it to the point I can't even sleep. I should have been in bed 3 hours ago because I have to be up in almost 3 hours... but anxiety doesn't let me sleep.

What do you do in the military? 

How do you believe you can be a better soldier?

If you were meeting a better version of yourself face to face, what would they look like? How would they act? What are they wearing? How do they speak?

_________________
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It gives me an edge over them.
However, if they should awaken and rip off the blindfold,
I carry a lantern."


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Re: My chronicle of awareness

Post by LumosDrakken on Sat Jan 21, 2017 12:56 pm

I'm a Transportation "expert". I do various modes of shipping, the process from movement planning to cargo movement, risk analysis to logistics. I I can only be a better soldier by continuing to hone and grow my skill set, developing my leadership experience, and mentoring my those with less experience than I possess. I'm already an NCO, a leader of "junior" soldiers, that is to say those with less rank than myself.
That "better version" of myself would only possess two differences from the person I am today. More experience, and better control of the balance I seek... and MAYBE my next promotion haha! All these things will come with time, including better treatment by those I already prove wrong on a continuous basis. They misjudge me or underestimate me, and in proving them wrong time and again, it calls their ability to judge accurately into question more than it calls my capabilities and character into question.

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"A learned person underrates own intelligence and overvalues others importance, so remains in public largely shy; the foolish person overrates own importance and undervalues others intelligence, so often publicly lie." - Anuj Somany
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Multiple sections for this one.

Post by LumosDrakken on Sun Jan 22, 2017 8:37 pm

Is validation from others really necessary, and if I try to not care what others think, why is it so gratifying to receive validation?


Some things I've not yet divulged to the group here is that I have had many calamities recently. My mother passed away in October after many years of me caring for her. My job laid me off one week later. I am a soldier in the United States Army Reserve, and the loss of my mother and my civilian job in such quick succession, almost made me give up on the rest of my life. I've spent 8 years serving in the Army, and have deployed twice. I've never seen combat mind you, but there are other things that can happen in the military that cause changes in a soldier's personality. 


Anyway, when I suffered these losses I started pushing my family and my spouse away. I lost any form of "give a damn", and was self sabotaging my military career. I have known my First Sergeant in my current unit for 8 years, as he was a member of my original unit when I joined, I have always shown him the respect his rank affords him. I have no REAL respect for the man though, because he is 10 times more likes to start a "paper trail" over any little thing, than he is to be a leader and guide you to doing things the right way. He also saw fit to watch me being physically abused by his fellow NCOs when I was just a private, he was duty bound to say or do something, but he didn't.


I am Just a corporal, a junior NCO. This is the first rank where you are a part of leadership and mentoring other soldiers. I am my unit's communications officer, it is an extra duty that require me to keep our radios up and running so we can communicate from vehicle to vehicle in a tactical environment, also vehicle to command center. I joined this unit last February, and in that time I have been in 8 states working my butt off for them. I straightened out a lot of messes that existed when I got there. As more soldiers joined the unit they took a few of my extra duties on so that I wasn't overburdened to the point of not getting anything done efficiently. I have been trying to get our communications streamlined since a month after I arrived, and since this oaf became our First Sergeant about 6 months ago. It requires requesting funds from higher command to but replacement parts for things that have been missing since before I got there. This man has been having me try to hatch dragons from chicken eggs, refusing to request the funds I need and telling me to make due with what I have and get it to work. I have explained to him how impossible what he asks is for me to do as I am not a communications expert, I am a logistics expert. He has written me up for my "failures".


He asked our higher command to send him a communications expert to appraise my units communications issues and see if funding is needed. A team showed up, one was a friend of his from a previous deployment and was the same rank as him. After spending the day with them, and working on our communications issues, I seem to have impressed my First Sergeant's friend well enough that he pulled the two of us aside and told my First Sergeant what an ass he was and how I taught him, an expert in his field, new tricks with the radios. He advised him to be grateful that he has such a bright young NCO working under him, and to listen when I say that what he has been asking is impossible. I absorbed what I could from the man, and he even supplied me with a few of the things that we were missing. 


I laid out a plan for some projects and exercises while he was there to keep my first sergeant from shutting me down without cause. He applauded my plans, and even complimented me on how simply I broke things down for a relatively new Private that will take care of communications for the unit while I am away at school in April. My First Sergeant looked pretty amazed, and just a little ashamed, IT WAS GLORIOUS!


Much to my surprise The two of them went to report our progress, and my plans to my unit commander. My first Sergeant shredded the write ups he had filed on me for not getting this job done, and even admitted he had been wrong for accusing me of not taking my duties seriously, which is why he wrote me up in the first place.


I went to my duty weekend expecting to get demoted this weekend, because due to my bad luck, bad outlook, and grief, I have gained close to 30 pounds since October. I'm not within the Army standard due to my weight, and they aren't usually very sympathetic about your personal issues.... My commander and my First Sergeant pulled my into the commander's office, and I knew it was to demote me... but it was just to talk to me, to let me know they do care and feel sorry for me that all this stuff has been going so badly for me. They let me know that they know I try hard, but they had seen the decline in my attitude and enthusiasm for my career, since my mom passed away. They were worried if I would just give up and they can see that although I've went off the rails a bit, I still care. They negotiated guidelines with me to lose the weight and get back in standards, they even mentioned promotion once I get these goals accomplished and get back on track completely.


I really need to let things play out before I decide how I think they will go sometimes... I envision nightmares before they happen, and sometimes it doesn't really turn out all that bad.

_________________
                                                                               -Lumos-



"A learned person underrates own intelligence and overvalues others importance, so remains in public largely shy; the foolish person overrates own importance and undervalues others intelligence, so often publicly lie." - Anuj Somany
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Re: My chronicle of awareness

Post by Durga Rises With Wings on Tue Jan 24, 2017 9:18 pm

Well you sure have been through a lot, Losing someone close is very heavy on the heart and mind, stresses of life can have a direct effect on the body, It's good they are understanding and will give time to repair yourself, go back to your goal weight and maybe get some healing done regarding your loss, Isn't it interesting how we can at times think the worst outcome and realise it never even played out that way imagined.
Thank you for sharing such deep wounds, Your a stong young person, you have your whole life ahead of you, people who love you, it is time to be the best version of yourself, BIG hugs.

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Re: My chronicle of awareness

Post by LumosDrakken on Wed Feb 08, 2017 7:28 pm

Pillars and Chains 


I guess I owe you all an apology, but a good thing comes out of something bad. Due to my depression over recent events and my perception that I'm lacking a necessary amount of control in my life in respect to my emotional and financial states... My internet got cut off, but out of the stress caused by that, I was able to bring up the topic to my niece and her boyfriend that I've been paying more than my share of the bills even though I'm on the limited income of unemployment. 
This discussion with my niece prompted her to ask me for the number to the cable company and she paid it straight away, with no discussion needed. Feeling bolstered by this, I told her that I needed to talk to her and her boyfriend about making a house budget so that I will not stress so bad about the bills, feeling like she and I are trying to manage this all by ourselves without him assisting. When we all sat down and discussed the household bills, he saw that his share would only be slightly over $250.00 a month and that created a relief in him. He apparently had been feeling bad that he was being 'supported' by my niece and I, I told him I have no children and will not support anyone that doesn't at least pull their own weight. He said he understood, and the conversation diverged into household chores and responsibilities that they do not live up to. They both agreed with me that I had been doing more than my own share, and even told me that they thought it a bit ridiculous that I stressed so much and beat myself up about not doing more than I can. 
All in all, I'd say this ugly little situation yielded a silver lining larger than the problem itself.

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"A learned person underrates own intelligence and overvalues others importance, so remains in public largely shy; the foolish person overrates own importance and undervalues others intelligence, so often publicly lie." - Anuj Somany
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Re: My chronicle of awareness

Post by Luci Black on Wed Feb 08, 2017 8:51 pm

@LumosDrakken wrote:Pillars and Chains 


I guess I owe you all an apology, but a good thing comes out of something bad. Due to my depression over recent events and my perception that I'm lacking a necessary amount of control in my life in respect to my emotional and financial states... My internet got cut off, but out of the stress caused by that, I was able to bring up the topic to my niece and her boyfriend that I've been paying more than my share of the bills even though I'm on the limited income of unemployment. 
This discussion with my niece prompted her to ask me for the number to the cable company and she paid it straight away, with no discussion needed. Feeling bolstered by this, I told her that I needed to talk to her and her boyfriend about making a house budget so that I will not stress so bad about the bills, feeling like she and I are trying to manage this all by ourselves without him assisting. When we all sat down and discussed the household bills, he saw that his share would only be slightly over $250.00 a month and that created a relief in him. He apparently had been feeling bad that he was being 'supported' by my niece and I, I told him I have no children and will not support anyone that doesn't at least pull their own weight. He said he understood, and the conversation diverged into household chores and responsibilities that they do not live up to. They both agreed with me that I had been doing more than my own share, and even told me that they thought it a bit ridiculous that I stressed so much and beat myself up about not doing more than I can. 
All in all, I'd say this ugly little situation yielded a silver lining larger than the problem itself.

It is good to have you back, Lumos.  Joy

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It gives me an edge over them.
However, if they should awaken and rip off the blindfold,
I carry a lantern."


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Re: My chronicle of awareness

Post by Durga Rises With Wings on Wed Feb 08, 2017 10:45 pm

I love hearing Happy Endings Joy

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Re: My chronicle of awareness

Post by LumosDrakken on Tue Feb 14, 2017 1:30 am

MIRRORS


Why do emotions have such a strong hold on an analytical mind? I swear I never used to have problems controlling myself like this when I just turned it all into anger... the anger burns itself out. now though, I can't kick depression, don't even see a point in pretending to be happy or motivated when I'm not. It's like I've become flotsam, just floating along.

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"A learned person underrates own intelligence and overvalues others importance, so remains in public largely shy; the foolish person overrates own importance and undervalues others intelligence, so often publicly lie." - Anuj Somany
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Re: My chronicle of awareness

Post by Luci Black on Tue Feb 14, 2017 9:21 am

@LumosDrakken wrote:MIRRORS


Why do emotions have such a strong hold on an analytical mind? I swear I never used to have problems controlling myself like this when I just turned it all into anger... the anger burns itself out. now though, I can't kick depression, don't even see a point in pretending to be happy or motivated when I'm not. It's like I've become flotsam, just floating along.

The thing is, do not pretend to be happy. Do not pretend any emotion, aside from when you must to wear a mask at work. Instead, get to know yourself, both the ugly and fantastic. Focus on what you feel, follow it to its source and then dwell on that source. 

Here are some simple steps although beware because they can render you emotionless.

1. Feel the emotion you are experiencing. Feel it fully. Let it envelope you. Let it consume you. 

2. Identify that emotion.

3. Ask yourself, "what is the cause of this emotion?" 

4. Follow the emotion to its root (cause). You may see images, feel sensations or other forms of sensory input. If the emotion does not vanish, proceed to the next step.

5. Ask yourself, "is this cause worth me feeling this emotion?" 

6. Write down your experience.

_________________
"I prefer people to remain blind and asleep.
It gives me an edge over them.
However, if they should awaken and rip off the blindfold,
I carry a lantern."


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Re: My chronicle of awareness

Post by Durga Rises With Wings on Fri Feb 17, 2017 4:38 pm

Lumos - I have found you a little gift, please go to the theator section of this forum, and watch a preview documentary all about emotions...POWERFUL STUFF!

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★•·.·´¯`·.·★Durga Rises With Wings ★·.·´¯`·.·•★
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Re: My chronicle of awareness

Post by LumosDrakken on Wed Feb 22, 2017 4:23 am

Thanks, will do. I appreciate you greatly.

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"A learned person underrates own intelligence and overvalues others importance, so remains in public largely shy; the foolish person overrates own importance and undervalues others intelligence, so often publicly lie." - Anuj Somany
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Re: My chronicle of awareness

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